You are loved, and let me tell you why.

I know I don't normally write like this, but something hit me this morning and I had to sit down and write about it.  So, let's have a little bit of a heart to heart.

Did you know that you are wonderfully made, unique, and loved?

Let me tell you why, and the story of a girl who was bullied throughout her childhood, suffered from low self esteem and depression in high school and college as a result, and found a way out of the darkness through love.

I was always a bit dramatic! I also was always making things, such as the shorts in this photo.

When I was much younger, I was what some would call a social outcast. To this day, I really don't know why. I was made fun of, excluded, and eventually, completely humiliated.  My best friends were my brothers, and I found refuge both at home and in the books I read. The day I came home in tears, telling my mother that I had found graffiti written about me in the bathroom at school, she decided to pull me and my middle brother out of public school and prayed that somehow she could afford to send us to a private school.  I'm SO glad she trusted in God and did so, because for one wonderful year, I actually enjoyed going to school and made friends.

Me and my amazing brothers.

The following year, my church opened up a school and my mum moved all three of us there.  For the most part, the first year or so wasn't too bad for me, and I was able to walk to the town library after school and immerse myself in books.  Then the bulling started up again.  It was subtle at first, and I didn't realize how bad it had got until I found myself being pummeled by rocked at recess one day.  I didn't know what was wrong with me.  Why did my peers dislike me so much? What had I done?

So the more I was bullied, the more I dove into worlds of scifi and fantasy. Books about unicorns that I had enjoyed so much as a kid opened doors to other fantastic worlds and stories, particularly Star Wars. Right before I turned 14, Episode I was being released, and I couldn't get enough of it.  I dare say I became obsessed.  This part of my personality surfacing concerned my mother, and off and on, she would let me know this.  But I didn't care. It was my refuge.  Reading anything about Star Wars was my escape. I researched Padme's peasant costume, made my own version, and wore it to the film.  This was my first cosplay.

Little did I know that halfway across the country was a little boy who was growing up much like me.  

But we'll get to that more later.

As time went on, I discovered other fandoms, and obsessed over them.  In many ways, it really wasn't healthy, as it was all I thought about or talked about.  It exasperated my bothers, and really concerned my parents.

As I entered high school, I started writing.  I really enjoyed that escape as well.  Some of it was fan fiction, some of it was stories inspired by my life. Friends started to enter my life, and I started to feel "normal." I also fell hard for a boy, and wrote poetry to express my many emotions.  When he didn't reciprocate, I became depressed.  Once again, I wondered what was wrong with me, and I started thinking dark thoughts.  Once again, I found my escape in my fandoms.

Dressed as Jaina Solo for Hallowe'en

When it came time for me to leave for college, my parents chose where I was to go.  I resented this at first, as I wanted to stay close to home, and felt like they were sending me away from them.  I am so glad they decided to send me away, as it changed my whole life.

I settled in, made friends easily, and found the goth scene.  Looking back at photos from that period of my life is SO embarrassing for me, because I was just trying find a way to get attention, the goth lifestyle really wasn't me. I dated several guys very seriously.  All of them wanted to marry me, and I found that, starved for attention, I was being controlled by each one of them, and changed for them.  When I came home with black hair and all gothed up at Christmas, I not only shocked my parents, I really upset them.  I didn't resemble the girl they had left at college.

My goth years.  To this day, I find it so embarrassing, because I'm SO not like that now lol.

Lovingly, they sat me down and expressed their concerns, as it was such a drastic change.  And I am so glad they did.  I wasn't being true to myself, I had been allowing all my peers, especially my boyfriends, to change me.  All I had wanted was to be loved and accepted by others.  I didn't even realize that all that time, I had all the love and acceptance that I ever needed right with my family.

As my college years went on, I started to accept who I was. A nerd. A geek. Smart. The "mom" of our group. I still struggled with depression, and I leaned on whoever I was dating at the time, still finding myself seeking to please them in order to be loved.  They were hard, growing years.

I grew and changed, I went from goth girl, to Otaku, to skater chic. I still didn't know who I was. You see that guy on the far right in the first photo?  I had no idea, but I would end up marrying him one day.

College allowed me to be creative though.  I experimented with my wardrobe, discovered new music, movies and television shows.  I made and modified clothes, like the dress in the photo above, I wrote music with my friends, and made a few friends that will always be there for me for life.

Me and my bestie.  She's the kind of friend that you can pick up the phone after not having spoken for months and feel like you just talked yesterday. 

After I graduated, I was dating a guy from college very seriously.  He was everything I thought I wanted in a guy: tall, pale, dark curly hair, from South Africa with a gorgeous British accent. I thought we had a lot in common too.  Turns out everything I enjoyed that we shared was only because he was into it.  He pulled the wool over everyone's eyes initially, and when he asked for my hand in marriage, my parents gladly gave him their blessing.  They even gave him a room in our large barn to room in so that he could find work before we set a date.  He never did, and my parents began to see the truth: he was a manipulator, lazy, and if we were to stay together, I would be taking care of his sorry butt.

They made him go back to his family, and begged me to break off the engagement, trying to show me that he was controlling me.  Finally they gave me an ultimatum: it was either him or my family.  My family is the most important thing in the world to me, so with a broken heart, I sent back the ring.  However, I didn't stop speaking to him.  For a few months, we still conversed almost every night, hoping my parents would change their mind, and that he would find work.  He never bothered looking for work, and one day it hit me that he was playing me. My parents had been right.  So I changed my phone number and cut it off.

I was once again feeling so lost. Emotionally, I felt used, and the thought "who is going to want to be with a girl who has already been engaged before?" kept going through my mind.  I worked two jobs to take my mind off of things and to start saving for a car. I also sought out new friends, as all my college buddies were scattered around the country,  So I found a new church to attend, full of people my age, and it was there my life took a huge turn.

We went on a retreat and there were a lot of great speakers.  It began to hit me as they spoke how incredibly blessed I was.  Where I had come from, where I was going.  And most importantly, that I was loved by an Almighty God who made me exactly the way He wanted me to be.  I didn't need to change for anyone, I just needed to be me.

And for the first time in my life, I loved who I was and was content.  I didn't need a guy to feel loved.

Meanwhile across the country, a man I went to college was going through the same thing I was.  He was discovering the same truth.  He had broken up with his fiance, who wanted him to change for her. He realized that he was loved, and that he didn't have to change for anyone.  One night months later, he decided to reach out to see how his friend from college was doing.

We spent all night talking.

And the next.

After a week or so of chatting, I realized that I was falling for this guy.  I wasn't sure if I was ready for that yet.  So I slowed things down.  However, the day we decided to webcam each other, I knew it.  For the first time in my life, I was actually in love.

We got engaged a few months later and six months after that we were married.  It might sound like a whirlwind to many, but I just knew that he was God's best for me, finally.

I finally was completely happy. My depression was gone, I knew who I was wholly.

But it wasn't his love that did it.  It was God's.  I grew up in a Christian house hold, went to church my whole life, attended both private school off and on and was sent to a Christian College.  But during that whole time, even though I believed in God, and Christ's sacrifice for me, I don't think I fully got it.  I had so many flaws, and so often I thought, how could He love me?  It was back at that Church retreat that I discovered it: No I don't deserve His love and sacrifice, I never would. But He does love me, because He made me.  He knows I will make mistakes, He knows all my flaws. And yet He. Loves. Me.

Six years after marrying my best friend, I discovered something else.  Our marriage reflects that truth as well.  No matter what, my husband will love me, support me. Even with all my flaws (and he knows them all, oh so well!) And you know what, even when he makes me mad or upset, I still adore him.  It's all unconditional.  Just like God's love for us.

My husband loves to cosplay with me and is so supportive of all I do!  

I write this all, not to preach at you.  I'm not not like that.  I write this all to encourage you, to tell you that no matter how dark the days may get, you are loved.  Unconditionally.  I don't know where you are in life, you could be perfectly happy and content, or going through a hardship. Just know that you can come to God no matter where you are in life.  Talk to Him.  He will wrap His infinite arms around you and show you love like you have never experienced before.

Photo by Midday Enchantments

It has been a long, hard road, and blessings have been scattered throughout my journey, even when I was too depressed or self centered to see them. And it doesn't end here! Each day is such a gift!

Today I know who I am:

Nerd

Cosplayer

Wife

Mom

Daughter

Sister

LOVED

And loved my no one more than my God and Savior.

By the way, my parents love that I cosplay with my family now, and are incredibly supportive of what I do.  I have learned to balance my life now, and live healthily with my passions.

If you ever need to talk, I'd love to be there for you.  Just message me on my FB page Owl Feathers Cosplay